my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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