theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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