I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
