I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
