remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
