I wish I could punch you in the face.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
