Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
