i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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