So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
