"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
They have beer where we have blood.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
