So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
someone owes me an orgasm
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
