im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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