umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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