You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
