the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
