wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
