The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
