You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
