ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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