Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
