if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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