DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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