Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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