Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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