she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
