i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
