I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
