I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize