I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
