Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
