I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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