Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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