No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
