I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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