At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
