Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
