mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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