I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize