omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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