you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
pop tarts are not kleenex
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
