just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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