so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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