You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
FUCK WHALES
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