I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize