Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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