this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
