oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
