Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
