I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She's the barista slut.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize