is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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