Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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