Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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