youre lurking in front of me
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am available for nakedness
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
