a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
