69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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